“One thing I’ve learned, life is a paradox. In order to heal, you must hurt. In order to love, you must break open. In order to have peace, you must face chaos. Never regret any experience, because it is always meant to bring you balance. The light always follows.” ~unknown
The first time I confronted my shadow and saw it with my own eyes was a few months after my spiritual awakening began. It came to me during my Dark Night of the Soul, which occurred in a cold, bleak, and unfamiliar hotel room where I was staying temporarily as I tried to piece my life back together.
It was painful. It was wretched. It was something I would never wish upon anyone.
It was the death of my ego self and false identity that had been created over time by years of programming, conditioning, and wounding.
I knew about the shadow self, why it existed, and the elements of my own shadow’s characteristics, but I had never met it face-to-face. That night, in the dark hotel room, I saw it.
A vision I had during meditation brought me to a dark underworld, where all of the hidden parts of myself were buried: those that had been deemed deplorable, despicable, shameful, embarrassing, and unlovable. I SAW her… the faceless, shadowy figure who had been cast out and discarded. She was wearing a dark hoodie, covering her features so that only her pointed teeth were visible. She appeared somewhat scary.
But when I studied her closer, she was not a creature to be feared. She was a part of me. A part of me who needed to be seen, needed to be acknowledged, needed to be met with love and compassion.
In that moment, my higher self appeared in my vision as an angelic, powerful, nurturing mother in a white gown. She was regal. Not scared. Not afraid of the darkness or the shadowy figure in front of her. With Divine grace, she stepped forward to embrace the cowering creature in the corner.
She held it and whispered, “It’s going to be okay. I am here to take you out of this place.”
And so she did. That vision set me free. It gave me the courage to accept and embrace the aspects of myself that had been cast into the darkness. I was able to acknowledge my neglected and overlooked faults as integral parts of my identity that deserved love and acceptance.
For anyone who has undergone a spiritual awakening, you are likely familiar with these moments of darkness, and perhaps you have also experienced what is called the Dark Night of the Soul. You are familiar with the lows that come when you are integrating lessons, purging unresolved traumas and emotions, and visiting the deepest depths of your soul.
You know firsthand that the experience of awakening is more than just sunshine and rainbows. It is an experience that pulls you down into the abyss to face the hidden parts of yourself you have repressed: your wounds, your insecurities, your vices, your wrongdoings, and your unhealthy patterns and behaviors.
The shadow aspect of our soul is the aspects of our persona that we have cast out because we (or others) have deemed them as shameful or unlovable. It is a survival technique we have adopted as we have moved through life in a harsh world that judges, rejects, and condemns us. To love and accept these parts of ourselves means to face our greatest fears and insecurities.
We each have a shadow self. No one human is better than another, although certain groups in society will have us believe they are. No human is exempt from having a shadow, from having fears and insecurities and wounding, although few are brave enough to face them.
Sadly, for most people, it takes some kind of wake-up call or life-changing event to get us to pay attention and look at what we have refused to see.
Those toxic relationships we keep finding ourselves in?
Those negative thought patterns that keep us stuck?
Those insecurities that make us want to hide behind a mask?
The unhealthy behaviors we use to avoid or numb our pain?
It is only a matter of time before they come to our awareness. What we choose to do with this awareness is up to us.
For me, it took losing everything… being stripped bare, having nowhere else to hide… before I finally saw what I had been refusing to see. Or rather, before what was previously hidden in the dark came to light.
At first, I cursed the darkness. I cursed the self-inflicted pain and suffering I had brought into my life, even though at the time I didn’t have the tools, knowledge, or awareness to avoid it. I had suffered so much pain and trauma already that it felt like a punishment to have to go through my Dark Night of the Soul and the aftermath that followed.
I felt wrecked. I felt ashamed. I felt like a failure. I second-guessed myself and the choices I had made.
Later, however, as my awakening journey progressed, and as I was given new eyes to see, I understood the purpose of this dark time. My old self had to die. My old ways of living and being needed to be transformed. And, for me to undergo a rebirth and return to the light, I first had to visit the depths of my soul.
The darkness teaches us how to find our light. It teaches us where we are still craving love and acceptance. It molds our character and our connection to ourselves and our Creator. And finally, it provides a space for us to face our fears, wounds, and insecurities so that we can emerge free.
When we are brave enough to look at and embrace the unlovable, dark parts of ourselves, that is when we return to the light.
If life were always pleasant, if there were no contrast to show us the opposite of what we truly wish to feel and experience, our souls would never grow and expand. We would remain stagnant and in a state of constant suffering.
“The law of duality means that two exact opposite results derive from the same thing. Nature teaches us that following each sunrise is a sunset. After each day, there is a night. After every spring, there is an autumn. Look closely, [duality] exists in all things at all times. While jumping, the deeper you dip down, the higher you come up.” ~Dr. Sumedha Kushwaha
Therefore, we must learn to see the darkness not as something negative or something to be avoided, but rather as a doorway to our greatest expansion.
Contrast is necessary to show us where we are still not free. It shows us where more healing is required, where more love and compassion are required.
The parts of us that have been cast into the darkness are seeking to be met, to be seen, to be felt. They are awaiting liberation from suffering.
Purging and releasing can only happen when we visit the darkness. The days following my most painful moments were the times when I felt the most peace. Crying and purging the pain brought relief. Catharsis. It gave me the awareness that I could feel deep pain and difficult emotions and still be held. It reminded me of my inner strength, as well as the fleetingness of my experiences.
What’s more, these moments of darkness reminded me that I was not alone. Physically, yes. But spiritually, I could feel a force greater than words carrying me: something was giving me strength and helping me pass through the shadows to the other side. A higher power. God. My angels. The infinite love that surrounds us at all times.
There were several times when I visually saw my angels and loved ones surrounding me as I cried out for help. In these dark moments, I reached for the light.
You, too, perhaps have experienced something similar. If so, allow me to share some nuggets of wisdom I have gleaned from passing through the shadows into the light:
Lessons the Darkness Has Taught Me:
1. Darkness Brings Us Back to the Light
In times of pain and despair, we often confront emotional wounds that have been long buried. Our deepest childhood wounds and insecurities, the most tender parts of ourselves, memories of negative past experiences, all come forward for our love and attention. Although it is uncomfortable, embracing our shadow is an important part of our healing.
If we were to only exist in a state of euphoria and bliss, these dark parts of ourselves would forever remain hidden, perhaps wreaking havoc on our nervous system, our relationships, and our decisions. Instead, when we dare to shine a light into the darkness, we can face what is buried deep. This opens the door to a beautiful opportunity for healing, transformation, and self-acceptance.
2. Feeling Our Emotions Sets Us Free
The saying goes, “You must feel it to heal it.” I have most certainly found that to be true. Most human beings avoid feeling their emotions at all costs. They numb. They distract. They form addictions of all kinds.
We are taught from a young age that emotions equal weakness, or we are taught unhealthy ways of coping with them. We develop a fear of feeling, especially a fear of feeling negative emotions, like grief, sadness, anger, resentment, depression, betrayal, or abandonment.
What happens, then, is that we never learn to honor our feelings. To feel them and release them. This leads us to disconnect from ourselves and to continue burying pain that is begging to be felt.
When undergoing a spiritual awakening or any life-altering event, there is no option to run or hide. Your pain will stare you in the face. You must either feel and release the hurt so you can be free of it, or risk being pulled into the darkness forever.
This does not mean, however, that we attach to our pain or make it part of our identity. No. That is not healthy, either. Rather, we allow ourselves to observe whatever emotions are wanting to come forth and then healthily purge them (crying, screaming, shaking, praying, etc.) so they don’t control us.
Please see the following video and YouTube channel below for some exercises you can do to release stuck emotions:
3. Our Shadow is Our Greatest Teacher
Lastly, confronting the parts of us we despise most teaches us where we could love ourselves more. Our shadow is there to show us the aspects of ourselves we have rejected, abandoned, disowned, or cast into hiding because we deemed them unlovable. But in deeming aspects of ourselves as unlovable, we are only dividing ourselves into fragments, rather than becoming whole.
Our shadow isn’t something to fear or run away from; it’s an integral part of who we are. It serves as our most profound teacher. By embracing and healing the rejected parts of ourselves, we cultivate a deeper love and acceptance within. There’s no need to look externally for someone or something to make us whole. We become whole on our own.
The process of awakening is beautiful in many ways. It is a great unfolding and unraveling. It strips us bare until we are left only with our true selves. It leads us through the darkness so we can find our inner light and be free of the things weighing us down.
While at times this unraveling process can be painful, it is also liberating.
Passing through the shadows requires courage. It requires faith.
The duality of light and dark is a necessary and natural part of our evolution. Neither is good or bad, for ultimately, both lead us home.
If you are currently passing through a difficult moment in your awakening, I send you peace and encouragement.
Remember that whatever you are facing is temporary.
It is part of a Divinely-orchestrated plan to transform your soul into light.
All my love. ♥
orker, and spiritual mentor who guides others on their awakening journey to heal from unhealthy patterns and behaviors, free themselves from the past, and step into becoming their most authentic, aligned selves. She is the author of Bravely Becoming © 2021 and the course creator of Soul Awakened, a step-by-step guide to navigating the awakening process.
