“From the midst of destruction, I became the creator of myself. From the midst of darkness, I became the source of my own light.” ~Cristen Rodgers
One December evening, I lay in a heap on the floor of my quiet, dark bedroom, enveloped in so much grief that I could barely catch my breath in between sobs. It was the day after Christmas, a hard time of year for anyone who has just suffered a loss.
This was the second Christmas after losing my family as I knew it. This time around should have been easier, but it wasn’t.
Why is this still so hard?, I asked myself.
The Christmas before, my family had been shattered by divorce. A few months later, my son went away to a treatment facility across the country, so he could receive the care and support he needed to overcome his ongoing mental health and eating disorder struggles. He missed Christmas with us that year… a gut-wrenching feeling for any parent.
I thought for sure this year would be the year the grief would subside and a new sense of family would emerge, a new sense of normal. I thought for sure after carrying the emotional, financial, and household burdens on my own that I would be granted some ounce of respite.
Unfortunately, that was not the case.
A month earlier, just before Thanksgiving, my son had another setback: a mental health scare that left us reeling. The recovery process was slow, and by Christmas things were still a bit rocky.
My mind and my spirit were in a very dark place, and I could feel myself spiraling downward into the abyss. Remembering the family that was, the comfort and safety and sense of belonging I had lost, the light in my son’s eyes that had grown dim, I cried out to God at the top of my lungs:
“I can’t do this anymore! I don’t have the strength. If you want me to make it, God, I am going to need your help! Please send me some relief. I need you!”
My children were with their father, and my support system of friends had dissolved along with my marriage. (Divorce has a funny way of showing you who is actually on your side.) The only person I could think of to call was my sister, even though it was late and I doubted she would answer.
I tried anyway.
Ring…ring…ring.
Nope. No answer..
So, I texted her, on the off chance she would see it.
Hey, Amber. Sorry it’s so late. I tried to call, but you didn’t answer. I’m in a really dark place, and I need someone to talk to.
As I waited for her response, which never came, it was me and me. Me with my thoughts. Me with my grief. Me… alone.
Or, so it felt.
My mind was racing, one desperate thought after the next …
This is too hard.
I can’t keep going.
I can’t do this by myself anymore.
I have nothing left to give.
I want to make it stop.
And I almost did.
This is something years of relentless suffering will do. It begins to diminish your spark.
But that evening in the darkness, I would learn how to make my way back to the light. I would learn that although my nervous system was under attack, most of what I was feeling and experiencing stemmed from the belief that I was bearing the weight alone. Until I remembered that I wasn’t alone.
Something was carrying me. Something bigger than myself: an unseen force giving me the strength and the courage to survive. I know this with one hundred percent certainty, because there is no other explanation for how I made it through.
It wasn’t just me and me that night. Or any other night like it. It was me, God, and my angels. Together, we endured the night.
These are five ways I helped myself escape the darkness (with their guidance, of course):
1. Tune Into Your Emotions
Our feelings are our barometer of well being and alignment. Being aware of our feelings at all times and noticing when we start to wallow in lower-vibrational feelings such as anxiety, depression, overwhelment, anger, sadness, or grief, is the first step towards returning to thelight. Only when we become self-aware enough to note that something is off-balance do we offer ourselves the chance to correct it.
2. Catch Yourself Early, Before the Spiral Deepens
Having difficult moments or low-vibrational feelings is normal, especially if you have been through significant life challenges. Feeling your feelings is also important, because healing takes place when we release heavy emotions from our bodies. But allowing yourself stay stuck in negative emotions over a long period of time, without taking some kind of action to counter-balance them, is not healthy. The longer you swim in the sea of sadness, grief, or misery, the harder it is to escape. Catching yourself early on will ensure that you move through the darkness more quickly.
3. Take Action to Break the Negative Thought Loop
As soon as you notice yourself spiraling, go to your trusted list of practices that help you feel calm, balanced, comforted, and centered. For me, this is anything that gets me out of my head and into my body: movement, breathwork, hot baths, stretching, or meditation, to name a few. Learn the practices that work best for you, utilize your tools (reframing your thought patterns, practicing gratitude, noticing things in your environment, etc.), and go into action. Taking one of these grounded actions allows our nervous system to relax and our thoughts to quiet down.
4. Seek Support
For those who are blessed to have a support system, be proactive in reaching out for support, even if it’s just to be in someone’s presence and take your mind off your worries for a while. If you don’t have a solid support system, at a minimum you need a trusted professional with whom you feel safe and supported. Whether that’s a therapist, a pastor, or some other mentor, we all need a lifeline when the going gets tough. There is no worse feeling than being alone in the dark with no one to hand you a torch. My therapist was my lifeline, and I am grateful for her every day
5. Find a Practice that Cultivates Inner Peace
In moments when you are alone or experiencing difficult emotions, it can be soothing to apply a practice (or several practices) that brings you peace. I often think of my inner world as my sanctuary or safe haven. When chaos is swirling around me, or my life circumstances feel out of control, I know I can take refuge inside the sanctuary I have created inside. For me, the number one practice that does this is meditation. With a little imagination, some soft music, and your breath, you can transport yourself into another world… one that helps you feel safe, peaceful, and calm.
Following these steps each time you experience a setback or a challenging situation will help you return to balance more quickly. Also, remember that when difficult feelings or memories come to the surface, it is so they can be healed and released. It is not a punishment, and you are not broken. You are simply being asked to empty out what is no longer serving you so you can make space for the new.
You are being asked to clear out past pain, past hurt, painful memories, failures, and disappointments so that you can welcome in more positive experiences, love, joy, and peace.
This purging process is a necessary part of our healing and growth journey. We must become empty so we can become full again.
What you are feeling is valid. It serves a purpose, no matter how uncomfortable, desolate, or isolating it feels. Through your suffering, you are learning to find your light. You are learning to build a fortress inside yourself, on unshakable ground.
You have to believe that this one moment of despair does not define you, nor does it confine you to forever living in your painful past. You have to believe that you are stronger than the darkest night, braver than the roughest storm.
YOU are a survivor. You will overcome whatever challenge is placed in front of you.
The circumstances you are experiencing now, as heavy as they may feel, are temporary. They will pass, as sure as dusk turns to dawn, and the sun will rise again.
You are safe. You are protected. You don’t have to struggle anymore. It is safe to let your guard down and simply BE.
Make peace with this moment and what it taught you. Let it go. Soon, you will be entering a new chapter, one where you will use your pain for a purpose: to teach, to heal, to inspire, to grow.
Always remember: there is a force beyond words, beyond human understanding, guiding you and supporting you every step of the way. You are never alone.
♥ Love you.
© 2023 Divine Soul Guidance
orker, and spiritual mentor who guides others on their awakening journey to heal from unhealthy patterns and behaviors, free themselves from the past, and step into becoming their most authentic, aligned selves. She is the author of Bravely Becoming © 2021 and the course creator of Soul Awakened, a step-by-step guide to navigating the awakening process.
